Beginning again is just how this goes

The nunc coepi moments of family life

I was struggling with one of my sons. He had been constantly argumentative, disrespectful, critical, and quick to take offense. Conflict followed closely in his wake. He was a drain on everybody.

The other day after a post-dinner clash of clans among the kids, with this particular child in the middle of it, I told Michael, “That boy acts like he is the only person in the world looking out for him!”

Sometimes, putting things into words capture something important. In that moment, the Holy Spirit touched my heart ever so softly, but clearly: You know how he feels.

My momma’s heart instantly softened toward this child.

Because I do know what it’s like to feel lonely in my own home, to dwell in a mental space that makes me feel like I’m the only person in this house who sees me. At times, I’ve felt put-upon, burned out, taken for granted, and overlooked. And I’ve been the one plenty upon plenty of times in this family (and marriage!) to be argumentative, disrespectful, critical, and quick to take offense.

“Mike,” I whispered, “He must feel so lonely.”

From that moment on, I made it my mission to remind this little son of mine that he’s not alone.

I try to grab him for an extra hug before he gets in the van to go to school. I spend a minute longer being silly and making him smile when I tuck him into bed. I try to notice and then to praise him in front of the family for his moments of goodness. I took him recently on a just-me-and-you outing to get an Icee from the gas station and play games at the arcade near our house.

By the grace of God, his behavior has improved. Some days a little, some days a lot. :)

I always tell my kids that “hurting people hurt others.” There’s an invitation to mercy there. This doesn’t excuse away people’s bad behavior; it does call us to accept the complexity of being human, and our responsibility to love one another well, even at some cost to ourselves.

Sometimes, the reality of family life is that as parents we don’t realize for a while that one of the children needs some extra attention. I beat myself up less when this happens as the years go by.

Because…Nunc coepi.

We begin again.

We get back up. We look up. We take the next right step forward.

And that’s just how this goes.