Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith

Or, I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living

Plants.

That was it. Two mixed arrangements on either side of my front door to replace the long-dead ferns…and just a little color in those bare spots on either side of my front walkway…pink caladiums would be just the thing.

A little beauty to spark some joy.

Plants are expensive, though. I went through my budget quickly. After the planters on either side of my front door, there wasn’t much money left for my caladiums. All I could afford was bulbs, which I’d never used before. I surveyed the big bin of “Pink Panther” bulbs at the nursery, and looked with longing at the photo of beautiful hot pink leaves laced with dark green. The bulbs were truly ugly. They looked like twisted, roundish pieces of driftwood. In contrast, my cart was full of lush, rich green leaves for the assortment of plants I’d picked out for my planters. I couldn’t wait to get home and get them planted. The instant gratification was too appealing; I wasn’t putting any of those back. I’d have to make a sacrifice and try my hand at growing caladiums from bulbs. I was a big girl, after all.

That afternoon, my planters came out just like the Pinterest pictures I’d been mood-boarding too-late at night for two weeks. (And I’ll be honest: I have loved those beautiful planters all year…so thank you, Pinterest.:)

But those caladium bulbs were a different story.

I carefully planted those bulbs in 24 little holes with my bare hands. tucking each bulb into a nest of damp, rich new potting soil. Then I waited for those beautiful hot pink leaves to poke up and spread out and bring me joy.

But week after week, nothing happened.

I had grown bean plants in 3rd grade, and those things came up in days. Sprouting wasn’t supposed to take this long, right? How different was a bulb from a seed?

Every time I spotted those bare spots in my front flowerbeds, I was disappointed.

Then I was frustrated. And then I was angry.

The nursery must have sold me bad bulbs, I reasoned.

Then later: No, it must have been my own fault. I was just a typical removed-from-nature suburbanite throwing money at plants because she saw something on Pinterest. I shouldn’t have wasted our money.

And finally: I should stop beating myself up and just buy actual caladiums and plant them and be done with this. I don’t ask for a lot - I just want this one thing…

On hard days this spring, I wanted to dig up those bulbs so badly.

A couple of times I almost pulled into the nursery when I passed it on my way home from work so that I could buy already-grown caladiums to plant in the beds. Then finally, I decided to plan a day when I was going to do just that. I told Michael I was going to do it, and don’t you know that I was secretly planning to argue up and down if he protested.

But he didn’t argue.

Erin, do whatever you need to do, he told me gently.

I think his gentleness is what got me. We were in a financial situation where we argued regularly about things like name brand vs. store brand dish soap, and he wasn’t fighting me on buying more plants.

He knew the caladium bulb thing was deeper, after the past year we’d had.

It was 10 months after the plane crash. I had a seven-month old baby. I was working outside the home and nights and weekends was finishing up some side projects to bring in extra money. Michael hadn’t worked since the crash, and we had officially closed the young business we started during the pandemic. We were still right in the middle of handling uncertain legal and insurance issues. We were trying to figure out what to do about a new job for Michael. We had six kids to take provide for. And everything was February gray and brown here in South Louisiana.

I didn’t end up buying new plants or digging up those bulbs.

Instead, I had a little puff of grace touch my soul through the grace of my vocation.

I accepted that I had no control over those bulbs. Maybe they would grow, and maybe they wouldn’t. I broke down and gave those ugly, rough little balls to the Lord. I asked for the grace to be more merciful to myself. I let go.

A few weeks later, out of the blue some old friends invited us to join them at their beautiful vacation home at the beach. We had not been planning a family vacation with all that we had going on, and the trip was a blessing that all of us looked forward to for the rest of the spring. The day before we left for that vacation in late May, I was walking up to the front door from our mailbox when I noticed them.

There they were. Twenty-four delicate little leaves poking up from the earth, 12 on each side of the walkway, just like I’d planted.

Every single one of my bulbs had come up.

And my soul did that thing where it it learned and understood and praised the Lord without words all at once, with tears and joy and an exquisite ache in my chest.

¹³ I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14