Hailing from deep waters

Not me, but God

I always feel like the month of May prompts me to take stock of my life a bit.

May’s very fullness highlights so much of my weakness. It’s a month chock-full of shiny celebrations of life and achievements—and all the logistics that go into putting on and attending those celebrations. And it’s a month full of opportunities to compare my real life with everyone else’s highlight reels.

May is a good time for me to drag my eyes back up to Heaven, instead of looking at everyone else on earth for approval. It’s a month to recommit to faithfulness—in peace—to what I think God wants me to be doing.

Of course, it’s also the month of Mary. So go figure. :)

My daughter Gianna turned 12 years old yesterday, and we spent time after dinner as a family going through old iPhone photos and exclaiming over how adorable she was at three, at seven, at nine. We laughed at the pictures of Gianna holding one newborn baby brother after another, her smile just as big and beautiful and genuine holding that third baby brother in a row as it was for the first one.

As years of my family’s life passed over the TV screen last night, my heart squeezed with joy and gratitude—but also, a little grief. The Little Years are behind us, in my family. They felt like they’d last forever, at the time.

And honestly, those Little Years were incredibly difficult. I struggled like crazy. I want to send Chick-fil-A and chocolate to every mother of three, four, or five children under 10 that I meet.

I remember being so dialed in, in that season. I was so sure that I was where God wanted me to be, even though it was often hard emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. I had many precious momma friends in the same boat raising their own families as stay-at-home, homeschooling moms. I couldn’t imagine anything that would call me outside of my home.

And then a pandemic happened. And helping my husband start a business. And a job outside of my home. And a plane crash.

Suddenly, my kids were in public school and daycare, and I was working full time outside of my home.

He gives everything and takes nothing, in the scope of eternity. I think I will be praying with that all my life.

Both the fact that it’s May and sitting with my emotions while watching those home videos last night, brings to mind so powerfully today one of the hardest spiritual lessons I’ve ever learned.

In 2021, when I discerned that God was calling me to stop homeschooling and to work at a job outside of my home, I was blindsided by confusion. That was not supposed to be how God provided for me and my family. He was supposed to work things out miraculously another way, a way that kept me in my comfort zone—and left me as much control as I’d been used to having.

I remember crying myself to sleep one night, asking God how this could be.

How could this be?

That moment when you realize that Mary asked the same question.

I believed for years that being a stay-at-home mom and homeschooling my kids was the best thing I could do for my family. And it was, for those years—because I was where God was calling me to be.

When it comes down to it, the gifts God has planned for us and our loved ones are given in His way, in His timing. Believing anything else is believing we know better than He does.

I had to trust God in a new and maybe a deeper way in that time of my life than I ever had to before. I had to trust Him in these major changes to my life, my children’s lives, and our family life as a whole because I wouldn’t be a stay-at-home mom anymore.

And I had to learn this: that the best thing any of us can do for ourselves or our families is try to be where we think God is calling us to be. Whether we’re comfortable with that place or not.

Blessed is she who believed that what was spoken to her by the Lord would be fulfilled.

The peace will be there. Our bodies and minds may have anxiety, but there will be a place deep down in your soul when you know God’s been clear about what He’s asking you to do. You will be able to feel that peace clearly—and it’s OK if you also feel a little sad that you know it’s there. Peace of soul and peace of mind aren’t always same thing.

I think it’s choosing to have faith that unlocks the grace of that peace—and the courage to follow it.

Not my will be done, but your will.

Let your will be done unto me.

A friend of mine reminded me recently that “God is working in our deep waters.” I have had her words on my mind often lately.

Deep waters mean you’ve been on a voyage for a while. You can’t turn back now, but you still have a long way to go. I feel like that’s exactly where I am in life—not in a good way or a bad way, but a I’m-definitely-there-in-my-story way.

This season of deep waters for me is rich and full and steady for the moment.

Michael and I will celebrate his 43rd birthday and the three-year anniversary of the plane crash in June, and my 39th birthday and our 17th wedding anniversary in August. I love to spend quality time with him and I love that he makes me and our whole family take life a little less seriously on a daily basis. He’s such a good man and a good dad. Watching what God has done in his soul through the plane crash these past three years has been the witness and privilege of my life. Michael and I are still the National Couple for the U.S. branch of the Domestic Church movement, and we still meet almost monthly with our same Domestic Church circle of 12 years.

I just passed my three-year anniversary of working (now part-time) as a brand manager at an advertising agency. Outside of work and Domestic Church, I currently serve on two boards and volunteer with my kids’ youth group and sports teams where I can. I’m still on a slow, up-and-down-ish health journey, but I’m doing fairly well these days. Michael actually works more than full-time as of a couple of months ago, after going full-time with one of two part-time jobs he’d been working since last year.

We have our six children—ages 15 down to 2—in two different Catholic schools and a classical charter school. The kids are all doing well right now and we’re happy with their schools. The older five are all in youth group and love it. In a few weeks, I will be taking my two-year-old to swim lessons the week after my rising sophomore in high school takes driver’s ed. My oldest two children and lots of my nieces and nephews have cell phones (text and call only) and a cousin group chat. My mind is still trying to catch up with that.

We are finishing up our first full year of multiple kids playing sports during the school year. Lots of families we know are old pros at that, but it was new for us. I had to come to peace with not making it to every game; I didn’t die of stress like I was worried I would; and truth be told two of the kids had some pretty transforming life experiences on their teams. God is good. And in His goodness, He did provide some carpool buddies who were lifesavers. :)

A major win of this season of life is that I finally figured out a laundry routine* that works for my particular temperament and family. We haven’t had to shove piles of clean laundry off the living room couch in order to sit down since before Christmas! We still don’t have housework all figured out, but we’ve have had pretty major improvements this year. Baby steps!

As for writing and speaking, I do a handful of local and regional speaking engagements every year either by myself or with Michael. I generally publish about that many posts here on Substack. I hope to do more one day, but #Godstiming on that one. I’m starting to pray about my desire to one day go back to school to get a theology degree or certification.

We’re still working on our fixer upper of a house, which we moved into back in October. We’ve painted 4 rooms and a hallway so far, with lots left to go. My girls’ room still doesn’t have AC, but we’re on our second contractor now (fingers crossed) to get that done. The basement is still flooding a little after every hard rain, but we have excavation and repair work scheduled for next week to fix it (prayer request!). At least everyone is finally set up in their bedrooms and sleeping on a real bed as of Easter, which makes my momma heart happy. We have truly been enjoying our new house—leaky basement and all—so much. The space and the property and the ability to host friends and family comfortably are such a gift. We’ve had lots of family and friends stay with us these past few months, even in the middle of all the repair work, and that’s been a joy.

I guess that’s an overview of my deep waters, or the ones I can share on the Internet. :)

These deep waters are truly a good season of my life. I thank God for them. Two years ago I was begging God for some of the blessings that I have right now.

Still, He lets me fail and fall and run very, very short of energy enough to keep me on my knees. It’s very clear to me on a daily basis that it’s not me running the show around here. I just step up and show up to what I think He’s asking me to do every day,—that’s about it.

I get distracted and overwhelmed and I most definitely have dramatic moments where I tell Michael I’m positive that we just need to quit EVERYTHING.

But then I drag myself out of bed in the early dark, or carve prayer time out of an over-busy day, or have my most intense prayer of the week right there in the carpool line, and I put my heart in His and I come back to Truth.

This doesn’t all depend on me.

I need to do what He has put in front of me in this present moment, and leave the thought of all the rest to Him.

God doesn’t ask us to be successful; He asks us to be faithful.

God’s not looking for me to be a “big girl”—He wants me to rest in the fact that I’m His little girl.

“Not I, but God.” - Bl. Carlo Acutis

I am publishing this post with a prayer for each of you who reads this, for peace and confidence in God’s goodness as you sail through the deep waters of your own life (or just the deep waters of May! :).

May you be blessed!

Bl. Carlo Acutis, pray for us!

*My laundry routine is actually that I don’t fold anything but towels! I bought collapsible fabric baskets from the dollar store and I sort clean laundry as it comes out of the dryer. Everyone is responsible for folding (or not) and putting their own laundry away. Either me or my oldest son puts the baby’s away. Once or twice a week we fold and put away towels, which takes no more than about 15 minutes. If you needed permission to stop folding, too, you’re welcome. :) And if you are one of those people who *has* to fold laundry, then I wish you all the best figuring out the best routine for your family! Everyone is different and that’s OK! :)