"Under God's eye and with His help"
"Under God's eye and with His help"
Revisiting 2023 and preparing for 2024 by looking at our Rule of Life
“Why yes, I do have my hands very, very full,” I responded yesterday to the kind gentleman in the grocery store. I had taken five of the kids into the store with me because I’d forgotten to put in a Walmart delivery order in time for me to get must-have dinner ingredients.
It’s funny: I can’t remember the last time I took any kids into an actual grocery store. Curbside pickup, now replaced this year by the miracle that is Walmart+ delivery, has changed my life. I seriously don’t believe I’m grateful enough.
I remember 10 years ago when I had three tiny children having to take everybody with me into the grocery store, every time, in freezing cold and brutal heat. I’d get a second cart for the infant carrier and maneuver two carts and three babies through the store as fast as possible. Then I’d go home and unload the bare-minimum cold stuff really quickly while everybody cried, then I’d get everyone fed and down for a nap, take one myself, and unload the rest of our groceries later in the afternoon. When I went to the grocery store, that was all I did that day.
These days, my hands are still full, but it’s such a different season.
I now have six children ages 14 down to 1. I work part-time at a secular job outside of the home. This past year, Michael and I navigated his continued healing from his plane crash, closing his business, job hunting, starting a new business, having kids at three different and brand-new and/or brand-new-to-us schools, four soccer teams, two youth groups, two seats on national boards, a few speaking engagements, and (last but not least) co-leading a national marriage apostolate.
I don’t know how we did it or do it. I realize that we 100% sound like really intense and crazy people. And you know what? I’ll be honest…I’ve felt pretty crazy at times this year. It was a hard year of figuring out What To Do after a traumatic accident, losing a business we’d turned life upside down for, being the breadwinner of my family for the first time, and new schools and teenagers and a young baby again to boot. Make haste to help me, Lord! and Jesus, I trust in you! and Lord, is this what you have really called me to!? have been such frequent prayers.
The truth is, though, just because we’re busy doesn’t mean we’re doing it all wrong. So many, many of the saints were incredibly busy and active.
And yet often we are trying to do more than what the Lord has actually put on our plate.
I’m not going to get all bent out of shape thinking how maybe God let me make a mistake and do too much. He’s working it all together; I trust Him so much on that. (Plus, I already worked through that this year:).
But as I’m looking at the year behind me, and recently in taking a deep-dive personally and with my husband on things, I keep going back to a little moment that has stuck with me for months since Mike and I’s trip to Poland in September.
I was sitting in our friend Piotr’s bright, warm little kitchen in Lodz, eating a delicious Israeli breakfast dish he’d made us called shakshuka. I was describing the exhausting busyness of my own life and of so many of my friends and acquaintances in the States. And then Piotr surprised me by responding to me - a kind smile in his eyes - in perfectly-enunciated Latin: “‘Bene curris sed extra viam,’ It’s a quote from St. Augustine, and it means, ‘You run well, but you’re off the path.’ It’s something you should maybe think about with the Lord.”
I’ve come back to that quote time and time again this fall, praying with it, asking God to show me what He may want me to see about myself and my life. Michael and I both felt the strain of our busyness this year and this fall on our marriage and on us individually.
So, by the grace of God, we actually scheduled not just one, but two Couple Dialogues over Christmas break to look again at the routines and rules of life (and yes, one of them was just for finances).
These are something Mike and I do as part of Domestic Church. We block out 2-3 hours every 4-6 weeks to connect and discuss how we’re doing individually, in our marriage, and in our family life. Every year, we we take more of a deep-dive into each area of our life, making new resolutions and routines that address bad habits and things that will bring us and our family closer to one another and to God.
It was the grace-filled conversations of Couple Dialogues that finally brought both of us to admit that we needed some counseling after Michael’s accident. It was in a Couple Dialogue that we decided to send me to the beach for a long, grace-filled weekend alone to pray and rest this spring. It was in a Couple Dialogue that back when we had those three tiny children and Michael worked all the time and there was no Walmart delivery, I had the courage to ask Michael if we could plan in our Rule of Life to do no back-to-back weekend travel for a while.
I’ll share just one of the things we decided in our recent Couple Dialogue. It is one of our prayerfully-considered, we-need-to-be-less-busy resolutions for winter/spring 2024: We’re not signing the kids up for any sports in the spring. :)
I realize that the idea of a Couple Dialogue and having a Rule of Life could sound pretty intimidating. Maybe you don’t know if you really think you need one. Maybe you’re terrified of talking that long and that in-depth to your spouse. Maybe you’re worried one of these things would open up a can of worm better left unopened.
Wherever you are, I’m cheering you on. I am praying for you as I type this. If the Holy Spirit is nudging you in peace…just start somewhere. Ask Our Lady to pray for the heart of your spouse. And remember that God is a multiplier. Couple Dialogue and keeping a written Rule of Life is also something Mike and I have been growing into for 10 years - so don’t go and compare yourself to us, by the way (or anyone else). In fact, please take my own go-to advice and always turn comparison into intercession. Michael and I always need all the prayers we can get, in all seriousness. Like you, like everyone, we have so much going on that won’t make it into a Substack post. :)
I want to share a little resource made by the English-speaking American Domestic Church movement. I copy-and-pasted it in here for you guys. I truly hope this may bless some of you. It’s what Mike and I use ourselves. It is written for married couples, but if you’re not married, I wonder if there wouldn’t still be some powerful take-away nuggets to help you take a look “under God’s eye and with his help” at all the areas of your own life ahead of 2024.
God bless you!
P.S. I’m hoping to sneak away one morning to get one more post out before the kids go back to school and homework and All the Things begin again. :)
Couple Dialogue
Every month in the presence of God, a husband and wife will consider together God’s thoughts and His will regarding their family so that they can fulfill them as best as they can. A Couple Dialogue is undertaken “under God’s eye and with God’s help.”
Couple Dialogue (also called marriage dialogue) is a 2-3 hour period of time spent by spouses together each month in prayer and discussion. It is regular and intentional time spent under God’s eye and with God’s help to strengthen the marriage and family. Couple Dialogue is an excellent time to reevaluate the couple’s Rule of Life and the individual rules within it.
For a Couple Dialogue to be fruitful, couples should come each month ready to discover their spouse anew and respect their differences. Couples should strive for a spirit of willingness to make the constant effort toward free, total, faithful, and fruitful marital love that leads us to die to oneself for the sake of the other. This is the love Jesus revealed on the Cross, and this is the heart of the marriage Sacrament.
The Couple Dialogue is a kind of prayer because it focuses on God’s presence in the life of our marriage and our family. In other words, the source and essence of Couple Dialogue is prayer. Someone once said, that “it is not two individuals, but two children speaking to their Father” who take part in the Couple Dialogue.
The goal of a Couple Dialogue is to focus on the reality of the Lord's presence in our time together. This is why there is a necessity of longer, unrushed time together, time that is prayerful and free of the usual “to do” conversations. Strive to listen with your heart, mindful of God’s presence and assistance. Let the structure of the Dialogue lead you to an intimate, friendly conversation, and aim towards a prayerful awareness of God with you.
This is a general guidance, but you have to test to see what is most fruitful for you – every marriage is unique and unrepeatable, and so your couple dialogue will be unique to you. Be confident that the Holy Spirit will guide you.
Know how to listen. We should listen with humility, patience, and an open heart.
Focus on the dignity of your spouse, and what is beautiful, true, just, and valuable in them.
Invite the Holy Spirit into the conversation before you begin.
When beginning a marriage dialogue, you should begin with spontaneous or rote prayer inviting the Holy Spirit into the conversation. You can also choose to read a verse from Sacred Scripture. We suggest reading the Hymn to Love from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13.
A general outline and suggestions for discussion
How are you doing? How am I doing?
It isn’t about revealing all your issues and your conscience as you would to God, but about evaluating yourself in as objective a way as possible before a most careful and loving witness.
By inviting couples to regularly and intentionally practice self-awareness and share their inner life, struggles, and growth with their spouse, Couple Dialogue contributes to creating a powerful unity of thought and feeling between spouses.
It is a different unity than what can come from just pouring out feelings every once in a while in a “good talk” or having daily conversations about logistics. This unity comes from two human beings observing each other and getting to know one another regularly and intentionally, under God’s eyes and with His help.
Are there any rules of life that God may be calling us to change or adopt in this area in order to draw closer to one another or to Him?
You and I
Share where we each think we are in our physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual unity.
Some questions to consider:
When we shared where we each think we are in each part of our relationship, where did we feel the same and where did we differ? Were there any surprises? Is there an area or particular issue that we need to bring to God together?Do we try to get to know each other and do we let ourselves be known as we truly are? Do we feel that we can safely share our true selves with one another?
What sort of issues do we encounter during/when we try to express ourselves to our spouse? Do we prefer to avoid talking about things, or do we face our difficulties head on?
Do I know how to - and make a good-willed attempt to - express warmth, gratitude, affection or concern to my spouse in a way that he/she best receives it? Do I respect the unique temperament and personality of my spouse in this?
What areas are the hardest for us to agree on and why?
What do we currently desire or feel that we need from one another? Do we have the courage to express it?
Are there any rules of life that God may be calling us to change or adopt in this area in order to draw closer to Him?
Us and our children
Rest our thoughts on each child (if we have children), asking God to give our hearts His vision so that we will see and love our children like He does, and so that He will lead them according to His plans.
Some questions to consider:
Do we share all duties and efforts in raising our children? How do we help each other in this great endeavor?
Does one parent struggle with an area of parenting that the other does not? How can we better support one another?
Is there a parenting issue we need to pray about or seek additional help to address?
Do we apply the same parenting methods across the board? Is there a particular child that we need to discuss new parenting ideas for?
Do we know how to encourage and motivate each of our children?
Do we know how to differentiate between non-negotiable, crucial things we expect from our children, and those we can be flexible on?
Do we devote enough time for play, one-on-one attention, and things like homework help for our children?
How do we support each other when dealing with a difficult child?Are there any rules of life that God may be calling us to change or adopt in this area in order to draw closer to Him?
Us and God
Discuss the relationship between us as a married couple and God.
Some questions to consider:
Do we pray together as a couple? What are our efforts here and could we reach for improvement?
What do we both feel is God’s will for our marriage and family right now?
Do we trust God to provide in every way for us? Is there a part of our life that we are holding back from God in some way?
What are we doing well as a couple in our spiritual life together?
What may God be inviting us to consider as a couple and individually in our spiritual life together?
Are there any rules of life that God may be calling us to change or adopt in this area in order to draw closer to Him?
Home and Family Management
Some other areas for consideration:
Technology (family rules around screen time and technology use, especially with regards to the protection of children from dangers online and on social media, and the development of self-discipline with screens)
Entertainment/media
Children’s faith formation
Children’s personal formation (planning for age-appropriate sexual education, intentional development of life skills, etc.)
Health
Housework
Sunday rest
Discernment of the family’s schedule (sports, volunteering, clubs, birthday parties, youth group, other involvements)
Finances
Work
Planning for liturgical and sacramental living (getting of-age members of the family to Confession and Mass regularly, planning for Holy Days of Obligation and special saint feast days and Solemnities)